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“No more; the text is foolish.”  King Lear IV. ii.

Yes, we all text.  Texting is not inherently bad, by any means.  But you if you want to woo a pretty girl, don’t do it!

You need to call the girl.  You need to hear her voice, and she needs to hear your voice.  If she doesn’t like your voice, texting won’t save you, because she’ll have to hear you speak if you ever go out with her.

Plus, there are so many ways people can misconstrue text messages.  If a text message is misunderstood, you’ll just have to call and apologize anyway.

Here are  just a few things people miss out on in text messages, all of which can make a girl feel better (or worse, be careful) about you: 1) pitch 2) volume 3) rate 4) quality 5) intonation 6) vocalized pauses.  For example, she will be able to understand your sarcasm because of your pitch and intonation.  Or, she can get you’re SUPER EXCITED to see her again, because you sound happy and slightly nervous.

Texting has its uses.  It’s not all bad.  But if you are trying to date someone, just call them.  In the end, calling just means “I like you so much, I’m calling just to hear your voice.”  And that realization will make anyone feel good.

Ok guys:  If you want to see her again, ask, “can I see you again?”  Recently, a friend of mine went on a date.  It wentfairly well.  Well enough for a second date, anyway.  And the whole time the guy seemed very much into her.  But he forgot one very important thing — he forgot to ask for the second date.

Oh, he texted her that week and eventually asked (via text — don’t get me started on THAT!) “what her schedule was,” but guys, don’t do that.  Grow a backbone, and decide whether or not you want to see her again.  If you do, just call her (scary!) and say, “hey, I had a really good time with you the other day. Can I see you again?  Great! What day works for you?”  Boom. done.

Girls: It’s ok to give hints, but don’t ask the guy out.  Make him do some work.

Ladies, I know some of you like to take control.  I know you want to just ask him, “hey! let’s go out again! When is good?”  But don’t.  Make him do some work.  If nothing else, it will help you gauge his level of interest in you.  If you find that you’re always the one setting up date, and you’re always the one initiating communications, odds are he’s just not that into you.   And if he doesn’t call, I’m sorry in advance if you’re disappointed.  But in the long run, you want to be with someone who’s crazy about being with you, anyway.

Let’s talk about flowers.  

Recently, a friend of mine informed me (in a rather remorseful tone) that she has never received flowers from a gentleman caller.  Where I am saddened that she is saddened over her lack of flowers,  I do not necessarily condone flowers.  I  will NOT be bringing anyone flowers on a first date.  With an “escape hatch” in mind if dates don’t go well,  I don’t want to complicate things any further with flowers.  I know, I know, it will probably get an “awww, that’s so sweet!” from my date, but it also has potential to cause tears.  I can see the “let’s go separate ways” cry now — “but you got me flowers!!”  So, I think I’ll just remove that before it gets started.

I have purchased flowers for a woman (who wasn’t my mother; mother’s day and your mom’s birthday don’t count) twice in my life.  The first one was on about the 6th or 8th date I went on with the girl.  They were “do-you-want-to-be-my-girlfriend” flowers.  That worked pretty well.  The other time, the flowers were for the same girl.  Just because I felt like buying them.  The “random-flowers-for-no-reason” seemed to go over well.

Flowers are nice, to be sure.  Just be careful.  They can be dangerous — any act of affection can be.

Question: Why do guys have trouble calling girls for the first time?

Well, the short answer is:  they’re nervous.  And probably insecure about themselves.  If a guy is insecure, he will have low confidence levels, and when he sees a cute girl, it is mortifying to call.  Fear of rejection is a huge thing, too.  But rejection isn’t so bad once you get used to it. 😉  I would tell all guys that they NEED to call the girl, too, and not just text them.  It opens up communication in a much more emotionally charged medium, and then the girl can actually hear the tonality in your voice.  I think you’d give a guy a chance (assuming you gave him your number in the first place) if he sounded super-nervous, right?

Question: What is your biggest complaint when it comes to dating?

My biggest complaint is that there aren’t enough places where it is socially acceptable to meet people.  When I say that, i’m referring to group gatherings.  I mean, you can meet people at a bar (not really my style), you can meet people at friend’s parties, maybe work, but that’s tricky.  So what does that leave? The grocery store?  I mean, I suppose I can talk to her about fruit in the produce section, but that seems to be crossing the creeper line.  And though the online thing works for some, that’s not really my taste.  That is my biggest complaint.

Question: How can we stretch out of our comfort zones?

I think the best way to get yourself out of your comfort zone is to go meet a new person.  Seriously.  Just pick a person you think looks cool, and just say, “hey, my name is …., and I think your shoes are cool.”  Or whatever.  Just go talk to a person you have never talked to before.  Even if it’s your Starbucks barista.  Baristas are people, too.

If you want to scare a guy away, the surefire way to do it is to talk about marriage.  Before you’re even dating.

Ladies, I implore you: do not mention marriage (to anyone I know) before I have dated you for a while.  Please.  It makes me think you are a clingy, creepy, obsessive, stalker who has planned my whole life in advance.  And that is not the person I want to date. I would like to make my own choice, thank you very much.  If I carry your purse around, a least let me choose whether or not I will carry your purse around.  It’s the same type of thing. Only slightly more important, as it’s my entire life.

I once dated a girl (crazy, right!) who, after we had been going out for 3 weeks, mentioned to my sister that I was the type of guy she could see herself marrying.  My sister was slightly creeped out for me (thanks, sis), and let me know.  I am not a fan of super-early preparation of my own wedding, before I’ve even decided if I should ask a girl to be my girlfriend (which always seems to sound dorky, no matter how you say it; you just hope they think it’s cute).

Ladies, please.  It’s not that you can’t think about; just don’t tell me.  I don’t want to know.  Ignorance IS bliss, and I would at least like to have the illusion that I can make my own choices.  Thank you.

P.S. Don’t be clingy, either.  Equally as weird, and slightly more annoying.  It makes me think you’re insecure and have no other friends.  Even if you do.

Rule #36

Timing is everything.

Ok! So you’ve found the perfect person! woo hoo! The problem is, they don’t know it yet. Well, friends, do not despair (and do not venture into creeper-land)!  If you see a person you like at a social gathering, and you manage to be at all the same get-togethers as they are, good! Very nicely timed.  If you see them through the cans in a grocery store aisle more than once, you are stalking.  Stop it.

Timing is everything — you have to meet the person somewhere, some place, some time.  Ok, check.  You, next, need to come up with random times to be sweet; hey look, flowers! Surprise!  Now, don’t even think about flowers after you’ve met someone once; I’m sure it works for some people, but it is a risky move.  Just don’t do it.

When timing anything regarding someone you’re interested in, ask yourself one simple question:  If I do this now, will I look like a creeper? If the answer is “maybe,” then save it for later.  You’ll get there eventually. Be patient.  Wait for it, wait for it…

Rule #9

Learn to trust.

Sorry.  You’re going to have to trust someone for this whole “relationship” thing to work out.  Quit being paranoid and checking their phone.  Just ask them about things you are concerned about.  Now, they do have to earn your trust, of course, and as you get to know them better, hopefully your trust in them will grow.  If trust diminishes, then you need to dump them.  But relationships are all about trust.

It is like that old game you used to play where you close your eyes, fall backwards, and hope that your “friend” will catch you.  If they let you fall, you aren’t going to play anymore, no matter how funny it seems to the “non-catcher.”

Dating is just like that game.  And if your date doesn’t catch you, go play with someone else.  Otherwise, you’ll just end up getting hurt.

Why do guys send mixed signals?

Excellent question.  I will attempt to answer it.

First, I don’t think that there are any mixed signals, just mixed-up people.

We’re all familiar with signals for affection; a touch, a smile, compliments, etc.  But many people who give  those signs of affection just turn around and don’t smile, have closed body language, or don’t say anything, sometimes within 5 minutes!

I would argue that people are just plain indecisive.  There is obviously something there that attracts them, be it your eyes, laugh, smile, or body.  They want to be near you and they want to get to know you better.  But they also want to have an “out” if something goes wrong.  So they turn right around and send signals of dislike/friendship/disinterest and it is freakin’ confusing!!

What happens, then, is you are just plain confused.  And let me welcome you to the club.  All you can really do at that point is grab the person, sit them down, and have a little chat.  If you’re confused by signals, talk to the person.  Of course, you might be disappointed — you might also get exactly what you’re looking for.

Some (Not So Obvious) Things That Make Women Attractive

A Smile
You can’t ever go wrong by smiling.  I mean, if you are missing a lot of teeth or you drool when you smile (or some other random condition), then guys might back away from you.  But a smile is always attractive, no matter what the circumstances.
Eyes
Eyes are related to smiles in the sense that when you smile (for real) your eyes can light up.  Bright eyes (again, barring random disfiguration of the eyeballs) are quite attractive.  Plus, I don’t think anyone has ever had a problem with you checking out their eyeballs.  There is a reason you’ve never heard, “quit undressing my eyes with your eyes!” It’s silly.
Attitude
A confident attitude (not stuck-up, vain, or pompous, mind you) is always attractive.  Anberlin, on Never Take Friendship Personal sings, “if you can’t hold yourself together, why should I hold you now?” and I think it is mostly true.  Confidence is always sexy.
Plays Nice With Others
I think women who are kind are hot.  This secret quality goes a long way in my book, and not only does it add to your attractiveness level, but it immediately gives you “possible keeper” status.  I mean, who wants to be with a jerk?

Rule #81

Be a good kisser.

This is important.  And lots of people are absolutely terrible at it.

Some examples of terrible kissers include:

The Suckerfish:  This person does not kiss you.  Instead, this specimen attaches to one of your lips and sucks on them.  Horrible. Don’t do it.

Limp Lip McGee:  This person does not make use of the muscles in their lips.  They literally push their face into yours, and their lips touch your face.  If you are this person, just forget kisses, and try to perfect your hug.

The Slobber Caballero:  This person drools.  Quite a bit.  It isn’t drool exactly (just overactive saliva glands, I suppose), but c’mon.  Nobody wants to be slobbered upon.  They want to be kissed.

Petrified Tongue-in-Cheeky:  This person (presumably) has no idea what to do with their tongue.  So, they stick it out.  And they kiss you with it. Often.  Ewwwie. They literally leave their tongue sticking out of their mouth the whole time.  Uncool.

Please, think about how you kiss before you actually do.  You don’t want to ruin something good because you can’t figure out how to make out.